Have you seen this movie??

Before reading this post please be advised my dad is terrified of gay people....I think he imagines that gay people run around at night raping or turning straight people into gay people. He is an alcoholic so expecting rational thought processes even 25% of the time is just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Me: I have nothing to do........I am so bored........

Billdo: You should watch that move.

Me: What movie?

Billdo: Ass Jack

Me: Um.....do you mean Jack Ass?

Billdo: No! AAAASS JAAACK

Me: I am pretty sure I don't want to see whatever movie you are talking about- it kinda sounds like gay porn.

Billdo: (getting very angry and annoyed with me) Why would I have fag porn?? I am talking about that movie you have called Ass Jack. You know the one with Nicholas Cage in it!

Me: Wow I didn't know Cage did gay porn.

Billdo: NO GOD DAMN IT! IT IS NOT GAY PORN IT IS THAT MOVIE YOU HAVE THAT I WATCHED THE OTHER DAY!

Me: You watched gay porn the other day?

Billdo: WHAT?!!!!!

Me: Oh you mean Kick Ass?

Billdo: Ass Jack, Kick Jack WHATEVER! Do you think I am stupid? or I would watch fag porn? I may not be the sharpest crayon in the box but I am not stupid!

at this point he walks in his room slams the door, then opens it and yells "I AM NOT A FAGGOT!"

no Billdo you are not stupid, nor gay, you are just drunk.........

edited to add:

IPhone 4 = the Apocalypse

So tonight as I was doing a face to face call with my husband on my Iphone, Billdo had a revelation. This was the first time he had ever seen this being done and he was astonished. Seriously his bloodshot glossy eyes got huge. He started talking about how this type of technology was to advanced and the government has satellites in space that are watching our every move, and they can see us get in our car an leave the driveway......and this is all proof that the Mayans were right when they predicted the end of the world in 2012!!! Holy mother of God seriously??? I am no historian or expert in the Mayan, but I am pretty damn sure they didn't write about Google Earth or the Iphone in their hieroglyphics......Although now that I think about it I may have gotten up to use the bathroom during that part in Mel Gibson's Apocalypto when the big scary Mayan dude that was ripping every one's hearts stopped what he was doing to whip out his Iphone and take a face to face call with his mom.....

Infectious Disease 101 according to Billdo

Apparently the flu can now be spread by your penis......yes that's right I said PENIS. I had no idea??? So now not only does one have to worry about all the regular STDs but now also the flu virus??
Billdo:" We are going to have to start disinfecting the door handles."
Me: "Yeah that sounds like a good idea."
Billdo: " Those kids (Meaning my brother's band members) are coming out of the bathroom too soon after taking a piss so they can't be washing their hands and it's flu season- I don't want to get that shit"

I think it is also appropriate to explain Billdo's definition of proper hand washing after one uses the bathroom, touches garbage or raw meat: Holding his finger tips in warm water for eh 3 maybe 4 seconds......then wipe with a smelly ass dish towel.  With his stellar sanitary skills it is astonishing that none of us have ended up with some horrible disease.

Although it is tough to meet that type of standard I may just have to put up a sign to remind everyone to "wash" their hands after using the restroom so Billdo doesn't get the flu.